Can you feel it?
You’re forming a parasocial relationship with me right now. Can you feel it?
You’re engaging with me and my thoughts, but we’re not talking with each other in person. I don’t know what you look like. I don’t know how tall you are. Do you have siblings? What is your favorite color?
I’m 6’ if I were lying on a dating app, an lonely independent only-child, and if I really had to pick, I’d choose turquoise.
Normally we’d be trading these facts about ourselves at a cocktail party or a picnic in the park. I’d ask about your day or what show you’re watching on Netflix. We might trade phone numbers and make plans to hang out again.
But when we’re sharing our lives online, things feel a bit one-sided. I post into the void hoping I catch your attention, and if I do, you choose how to engage. I bet you’ll passively consume this and move onto the next thing. If I’ve really struck a chord you’ll feel the urge to reach out.
Parasocial relationships, once exclusive to celebrities and media personalities, now influence our behavior and daily lives. In our media filled world, you’ve probably developed more parasocial relationships than real life relationships. How many podcasts are you listening to? Do you watch YouTube while you eat? That Instagram story you just liked — when was the last time you talked to that person? Do you know who’s formed a parasocial relationship with you?
We see a familiar face, we hear a friendly voice, and our brains are tricked into thinking we’re socially satisfied. But when the phone screen goes dark and our reflection stares back, we come to the realization: was it all in our head?
I worry what happens if we continue spending more time engaging with media and machines than with people. Are we headed to a lonely world? A quiet world? Why are we so afraid of talking to people?
Don’t get me wrong — I think the Internet is one of humanity’s greatest inventions. As with any technology, we learn its risks alongside its benefits and should put appropriate safety measures in place.
I think society’s greatest risk is that we forget how to socialize. We engage indirectly online, attach ourselves to strangers we’ve never met, and have our thoughts reflected back onto us by machines we believe can think. All the while, our social skills atrophy, we get lost inside our heads, and become deer in the headlights1 when re-entering the physical world.
If we can’t relate in person, we can’t coordinate change. We will grow more divided, and we will fail to solve problems like climate change.
So how can we break free? How can we exercise our social skills? How do we form meaningful relationships in our extremely online age? That’s what I hope to explore here, and I encourage you to subscribe. But be aware of the parasocial relationship you’re signing up for — maybe you introduce yourself first so things aren’t so one-sided.